Dear Product Endorser

Dear Product Endorser,

I recently heard your radio spot on the way to work today. I couldn't help but notice you had really no interest in what you were selling. I think in the future, your radio spots should be more like this:

Hi I'm Famous Person, Who's Famous For Some Sort of Sport. I would like to talk to you about Product X. I will read the words written for me on the radio. It is clear that I have no interest in this. I will read it with no conviction. I will not articulate the sentences i am being paid handsomely to read. I in no way would ever use Product X, as I am a Famous Person and have lots of money. I did not get to be where I am in sports by drinking a bunch of nasty products like this, or rubbing this power on my foot. No, I had opportunities you will never have and really had no other way to go, so I just worked hard, or I counted on the amazing DNA that I happen to have. Maybe the people that work for me drink it, I don't know. I can only assume that they drink it and that is where all of their money goes to, since they have so very little of it, compared to someone like me, A Rich Famous Sports Person.

However, I would like you to drink or use this product I am selling - I don't remember which one it is. I would like you to believe that by drinking this or using this, or putting things into this thing, assuming it is designed to store or carry things, you will be more like me.

Your belief in this makes me laugh, and I will laugh right now, in my rich sportsman voice: "ha ha ha." There is no way that by using this thing, or eating this bar, or covering your couch with this thing, assuming it is designed to cover an entire couch, you will be anything like me.

No, you are a schlub that is driving to your job, which you dislike. You have no potential or aspirations to be like me. Instead you will sit on your couch, covered or not, and watch my accomplishments on TV. I will smile at you, holding this thing, or standing in it, or driving it and tell you how wonderful it is. In the future, I will not even talk about it, but instead, I will simply have it near my person. Perhaps I will never use it publicly, but instead allow the logo for the thing to be on a hat I wear.

So, buy this thing I want you to buy, or lease it, or pay whatever monies need to be paid to get a subscription to it, because I said so, and you want to be more like me, and be seen drinking it, or eating it, or standing in it, or using it to climb up the side of a building, assuming it may be ladder-like in some way.

Because I am a Famous Sports Figure of Some Kind, probably, and by using this product you will be just like me.

Not a problem

Dear Person Who Says "Not A Problem:"

Yes, I know its not a problem. If it was a problem, you wouldn't be in business.

If you are a waitress and I ask for more water, or order another drink, or ask to see your wine list, why would it ever be a problem?

Its not like I said, "When you bring the pizza, please make sure that you have changed your shoes, or dyed your hair" or "Since I'm running from the law, I'd like to pay you in feathers. Will goose and chicken be ok?" or "Please shout every other word when speaking to me."

NOT a PROBLEM sir.